Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I’m a seismologist.

Me: No way! Can you…

Date: Please don’t.

Me: …guess my height?

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

it’s the silliest best thing

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view