Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.