Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

I drew y’all a little something.

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

I think about this a lot

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Sunday

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?