Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.