[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
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A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Yep.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude