(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
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If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Ape together strong
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
they should create new variants of dopamine
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.