Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

Strudel me like one of your toaster girls

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet