Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules