Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
Now watch as I try to put it out
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TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way. It’s called thinking ahead guys.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
me: the hearing.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I’m sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.