@internetluke

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

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@ImLeslieChow

“I wasn’t that drunk!” “Dude, you congratulated a potato for getting a part in Toy Story.”

@QwertyJones3

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

@mrjohndarby

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

@MarfSalvador

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

@pittdave13

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

@robdelaney

Shouldn’t there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel’s mom was like “Why are you constantly in that old man’s shed?”

@Ygrene

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

@dorsalstream

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now