[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
Now watch as I try to put it out

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“I wasn’t that drunk!” “Dude, you congratulated a potato for getting a part in Toy Story.”


Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.


[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?


[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?


For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in


Shouldn’t there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel’s mom was like “Why are you constantly in that old man’s shed?”


*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*


[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now