@internetluke

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

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@That_Damn_Duck

Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.

@KateQFunny

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

@wescraw

We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way. It’s called thinking ahead guys.

@GriffonTaylonYo

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

@shanethevein

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

@iamburtjarvis

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

@daemonic3

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

@bourgeoisalien

I’m sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.

@KateQFunny

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.