[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
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Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Banking tips
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.