Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.