[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
[canadians at you, canadianly]
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Does beer think about me too?
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-