[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
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My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.