[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
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I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years