[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
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family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
The sacred texts.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.