[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
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Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!