Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

I wish all tests were things you peed on

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!

A roof is a house hat.

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

I triple waxed for this?

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.