[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

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According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.


My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.


Thirty days sober folks.

Not consecutively, but here and there over the years.

I’m estimating.


Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.


GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word


If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.


My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.


My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”


Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.