[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
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Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.