@1_swarthy_dude

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

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@mydmac

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

@Paxochka

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

@amishschool

Thirty days sober folks.

Not consecutively, but here and there over the years.

I’m estimating.

@copymama

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

@PleaseBeGneiss

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

@AnOrangeSNES

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

@AaronCSU54

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

@MegsHAUSTED

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

@YSylon

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.