Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too