Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….