interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
You Might Also Like
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
sugar glider wrangler
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes