Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker