Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

Finally! 😈

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.