Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

Speak now or ever hold your peace

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat