Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

I used the label maker

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.