Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.

As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it