Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

Yeah. This was me today.

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.