Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

[first date]

Him: What are you passionate about?

Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.

Him: Animals?

Me: Haha. Sure…

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.