Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena