Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

Never go to sleep after making me angry

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.