Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just left a huge legacy in there

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.