Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

date: so you have any hobbies?

me: i play a guitar sometimes.

date: oh i’d love to see that.

me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.