Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

Cashiers are always checking me out

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada