Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.