Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.