[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.