Me: I need an Ativan prescription please, for my children’s health.
Shrink: excuse me? We don’t prescribe that for children.
Me: No, I take the drug…. and my children stay alive.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here
interviewer: very good
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FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?
ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope
A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house
MIND BENDER: Take your age. Now subtract 3. That’s how old you were three years ago.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.
“THIS is my wife..”
*looks down at the ground
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.