Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here
interviewer: very good
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When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Me: baby, I’m gonna make you groan
Her: you mean moan
Me: *about to tell an awful joke* I do not
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish… It doesn’t matter. It’s all good.
But a Pepsi drinker…
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Facebook: “Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!”
Me: *backs away slowly*
[My Twitter origin story]
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.