[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
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Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi