[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

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Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.


When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.


Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots


Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.


[In bed]

Me: baby, I’m gonna make you groan

Her: you mean moan

Me: *about to tell an awful joke* I do not


Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish… It doesn’t matter. It’s all good.

But a Pepsi drinker…


Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….


Facebook: “Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!”
Me: *backs away slowly*
[My Twitter origin story]


Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.