@mrjohndarby

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

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@not_delicate

Me: I need an Ativan prescription please, for my children’s health.

Shrink: excuse me? We don’t prescribe that for children.

Me: No, I take the drug…. and my children stay alive.

@trojansauce

ME: *vaping*

FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?

ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope

@Jacob_Swift16

A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house

@BillMc7

MIND BENDER: Take your age. Now subtract 3. That’s how old you were three years ago.

@TheCiscoKidder

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

@shawnspree

My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.

“THIS is my wife..”

*looks down at the ground

*sighs

*kicks can

@mkpaulsen

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.