[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
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I saw nothing
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I told my vodka about you.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
sigh
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.