Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”