[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
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Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.