[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
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*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.