[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
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Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
just witnessed a drug deal
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.