A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”
It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
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I can only ruin a handful of men’s lives at one time THERE’S ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN A DAY PEOPLE I AM NOT CONGRESS!!
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.
Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
“Man of Steel” is about a boy learning how to control his alien body. It is a two and a half hour allegory about puberty.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.