@CakeThrottle

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

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@sadhatterskwrl

I can only ruin a handful of men’s lives at one time THERE’S ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN A DAY PEOPLE I AM NOT CONGRESS!!

@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

@RiotGrlErin

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

@Try2StopME

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

@michaelianblack

“Man of Steel” is about a boy learning how to control his alien body. It is a two and a half hour allegory about puberty.

@caithuls

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

@Talk_To_The_Hat

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

@DirtMcTurd

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

@RoxiieHart

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.