Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

Breaking news:

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?

T A S M A N I A

-Oh shit we called the wrong devils

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.