Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede