My favourite gymnastics move is the double cheeseburger.
[interview with girl at dating agency]
i get shy around pretty girls
[girl smiles brushing hair from her face]
“are you shy now”
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As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …
“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Please teach your children how babies come out of the womb.
Otherwise, your kid is going to convince my kid that they were pooped out
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Why font matters.