My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[interview with girl at dating agency]
i get shy around pretty girls
[girl smiles brushing hair from her face]
“are you shy now”
You Might Also Like
“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[ronald mcdonald in fake mustache sidles up to group of teens] mcdonalds sucks right guys? Let’s discuss ways they could improve their image