@KeetPotato

[interview with girl at dating agency]
i get shy around pretty girls
[girl smiles brushing hair from her face]
“are you shy now”
not really

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@salamingia

My favourite gymnastics move is the double cheeseburger.

@SteveKoehler22

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

@Home_Halfway

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

@david8hughes

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

@dance_blessed

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

@CruelMeiga

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

@arresteddev

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

@itsmebeegee07

Please teach your children how babies come out of the womb.

Otherwise, your kid is going to convince my kid that they were pooped out

@withanewname

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]