[first day as an anesthesiologist]
me: i hope i gave him enough anesthetic to keep him asleep during surgery
patient: why would you put the surgeon to sleep
[interview with girl at dating agency]
i get shy around pretty girls
[girl smiles brushing hair from her face]
“are you shy now”
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Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
It’s like my Mom used to say, always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man’s life.
those ads for The Heavy Blanket are all well and good but why does it stop at 25 pounds, where is the blanket that will crush me like a benevolent snake
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?