I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
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Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.