@KeetPotato

[interview with girl at dating agency]
i get shy around pretty girls
[girl smiles brushing hair from her face]
“are you shy now”
not really

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@papasuncle

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

@NicestHippo

“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
ME: Yep
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”

@LizHackett

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

@Brianhopecomedy

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

@aveuaskew

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

@Ygrene

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

@big_mick_carter

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

@mela_shea

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

@flouncingqueen

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

@animaldrumss

[ronald mcdonald in fake mustache sidles up to group of teens] mcdonalds sucks right guys? Let’s discuss ways they could improve their image