Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

smh

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs