[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
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i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
watergate? u mean a dam??
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
we all know this pain all too well
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
wtf is a larm clock?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??