Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who named him groot and not spruce lee

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

😭😭

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait