Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

this will hang in the louvre one day

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.