Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

You’re never alone. Theres mold

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number