Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

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35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good


If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’


As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”


The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.


[stand-up comic bombing]
Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts
Audience: BOOOOOO!
Comic: Oh ok you’ve heard that one before.


me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them


gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why


Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”


Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.