Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

Hey i am sexy to you now

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

I support this random dude and all his protests

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.