Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”