Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

In banana years, I am bread.

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.