Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
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*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
“Meh” -apathetic cow
cop: do you know why i pulled u over?
me: was i speeding?
me: was my tail light out?
me: is it because u need a hug
cop: also because there’s an arm hanging out of your trunk
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.