Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

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8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.


Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.


“Look slightly worried.” – picture advice from The Singer/Songwriter’s Handbook


She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.


Relationship tip: every night text yourself “Good morning love!” & turn off your phone real quick to wake up with a good morning text.


Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.


I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”


[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya


I’m basically Switzerland.

I’m cold and you have to get really high in order to truly appreciate my beauty.