Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

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Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.


*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy


Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.


I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.


Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.


cop: do you know why i pulled u over?

me: was i speeding?

cop: no

me: was my tail light out?

cop: no

me: is it because u need a hug

cop: yes


cop: also because there’s an arm hanging out of your trunk


The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.


“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”



My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.