Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

Genius idea!!

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.