Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”