[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
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A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.