Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

everyone’s a critic

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.