Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

What?!?

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

bat life

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck