Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.