Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!