Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

What a kind woman! 😂😂