Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

What if the weather talks about us?

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.

wait.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

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