Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
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My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.