Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”