Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.