Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

🪶

Good Morning.

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??